There is a deep amount of hatred in me. I can clearly sense it. I am ashamed of myself. I see how badly I have drowned into a deep pit hole of ego, jealousy, loop of expectations.........................
These are the lines I have written exactly 3 months ago and I stopped the blog. Time is just passing by and I am stuck in a loop because I am unable to recognize or remember what I have been doing over the past few months. Is it because I don't like those moments or is it something else? Have I fallen into the trap of correcting people or correcting myself extremely.
I was going through an extreme circle of emotions, especially dominated by negative one. My brain is sending me signals, telling me that it's enough....you are done, there's nothing else you can do, you are not capable of doing multiple things or even if you think of doing so, you will badly fail at it. I had always slept for lesser hours, compared to what I sleep today. Have I lost the spark in me? I am unable to fall back into picture.
May be I just need a strong goal. Perhaps some marks, some urgent need of job, urgent need of money or a bad need to win gold medal? Since I don't have anything to get back as reward, does that prove that I am a reward oriented person? Again, there's anther part of my brain which says I don't want to be part of a rat race. I want to just live, explore arts, places, people, keep loving and living but why do I feel that there is a war running inside my head which is not allowing me to just accept things right in front of me. Why am I not able to live fully? Am I suppressing something?
I just read some online article which pointed out something similar that I am going through. One line did strike the chord right. I am TIREDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am very much tired to take a decision. I am very much tired to even wake up, to cook for myself, I am so much tired that I am not at all excited about anything in life but watching cartoons gives me happiness, stickers too. I need a break from all but I am not in a state to take break because I need this job and money to survive.
To give a pause to this vicious cycle, I really want to see and feel when was I actually happy lately. I was the utmost happiest on the day of Ugadi. I actually watched a movie with my husband until late night the previous day. We slept almost in the early hours of morning, around 3AM, nowhere close to a good sleep routine. I was completely exhausted, fainting on my way back home and collapsed on bed, literally dreaming the entire night and day about the movie and we only woke up when the maid knocked the door. If that was me who is typing this blog today, wouldn't have moved an inch from bed, let alone be cooking, pooja or anything else.
I remember pretty well, I was dreaming about this festival for many days..... visualizing my home full of people, people that are close to me, family whom I love the most and I wanted to just be happy with them. I must say, I missed having everyone under one roof. Unfortunately, many couldn't join us but we had our in-laws with us which made me utmost happy. I really wanted to decorate home, keep everything ready, cook for all of us and just eat together.
What made me do it? Who provoked me to do it? Where did I get the energy to cook? Why did I even want to cook, decorate and celebrate? Is it because my parents made it a habit to do so? or is it just that I find happiness in doing it? Can any book describe this feeling? I don't think so. The energy that ran through my veins was beyond my expectation recently. Now I want to feel it every single day, in every single task.
Is it love for the festival that made me do it or is it just my intention to do , no matter what? I know that I love ugadi, so I did it. But I also love painting, walking early in the morning or travel but I don't do it quite often these days. Why so?
Did I really forget myself or am I doubting myself too much?
While I was going through this chaos, I somehow felt this deep interest in watching a Hindi Movie named "Tamasha". 10 years ago, I didn't get the meaning of this movie. Now I am able to decode it, with the best level possible perception of mine. I might not be able to describe this movie here, since I recalled multiple movies and stories I have come across in life that I believed the most and I really want to incorporate them in one place but for now I can say it gave me a sense of relief to trust the unknown future, including my very next meal satisfaction. I want to practice this now - to not be bothered about tomorrow and the outcomes, rather just focus on what can be done now!!!!!!!
Just to conclude this session of self reflection - I am messy, I am bad at certain times but I am good mostly, I am kind to people around me but less kinder to myself, I am withholding a lot of emotional baggage which I wanna let go slowly and steadily so that I will stop bursting out at people, eventually!!!
I am a work in progress.............
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